Therapy & Research Time

It’s not easy knowing that there is something you need to talk about, but no one in your inner circle can really help you (at least in my case).  If I knew there were easy answers to my questions, I would have asked them years ago. As I’ve mentioned previously, the most information I could get was from websites or socials but that was non-credible at best, dangerous at worst.  So, I set out looking for answers from more reliable sources.

I did do some searching for therapists prior to coming out to Cathy. It was a half-hearted effort as I wasn’t going to do move anything forward before letting her know. I did find a couple therapists worth reaching out but there were not many options in this small city.  My search criteria was specific and narrow:

I needed to know that whomever I reached out to would not be judgemental. They would need to be educated in gender related terms and possible transitions. Finally, they would be willing to see me in person as I don’t think I could ever open up to someone over Zoom – at least not at first.

I managed to find someone who checked all the boxes and booked an appointment. Unfortunately, for new clients, it seems like there is always a wait.  It was only a few weeks but what to do with my restless brain from now until then. I remember getting little sleep those first few months. Every time I would wake up, whether it was 5am or 2am, my brain started spinning and I was awake for good.

Research at Home

It was up to Cathy and I to learn about gender dysphoria as much as possible. If we’re lucky, what it means to transition or any other potential path this discovery may take.  I do remember early on finding a criteria for gender dysphoria and sharing it with Cathy. It’s what helped me finally figure out what I might be feeling. It’s an older form of evaluation. It’s typically understood, that if you have 2 or more of these criteria, that the dysphoria is present.

• A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics)
• A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics because of a marked incongruence with one’s experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics)
• A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender
• A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s designated gender)
• A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s designated gender)
• A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s designated gender)

I won’t say which of these I experienced but let’s just say it was more than two of them. Aside from some of the technical side of the research there was the relationship side.  There are not too many stories of a spouse transitioning and the family stays whole. Those that did, always had a caveat that one or both of the spouses were already unsure about their sexuality.  This did not give either of us much encouragement or hope.  Fortunately, we did find an excellent story of a Canadian couple who went through something a little similar. The title is “Love Lives Here”.  In their story, there was more than one transition. The story gave me, the spouse that may be transitioning, a hope that there may be a chance to continue. At some point we will be creating a reference page so that others can find the stories or articles that we would like to share so look out for it.

First Therapy Session

As for the first therapy session, I can honestly say that I was disappointed. I did get to share a lot, but that’s really how first appointments go. Usually the patient talking for the full 50 minutes. It did feel good to share with someone other than Cathy, and I did leave feel that therapy was the right course. Fortunately, I booked in again the next week and was able to get into more of my feelings and some of the options for the future. There was a lot of discussion on support, timing, what I want, and what I expect. There was also an exploration into my past, times when there may have been hints of some of the criteria mentioned above, and a lot on “why now?”. 

It took a few sessions, but ultimately, I decided, and my therapist agreed, that not only do I have gender dysphoria, but I need to do something about it.  If I ignored it much longer, relationships will suffer, my ability to function in the workplace will decline, and possibly, there may be risk to my health. And that’s really what started my transition.

I still see my therapist regularly.  The topics are very different now than they were then, but equally as valuable.