The Uncertain Times

The first few months are not only a period of new discoveries. But this also a time when the future is unclear and unknown. This leads to a many new feelings that create anxiety and stress. I’m sure many people look at individuals who are transitioning and see someone who is doing something entirely for themselves. They believe they see someone who is thinking of the present only. They see someone not thinking of the future or how they affect others. For individuals that are transitioning later in life, like me, this couldn’t be further from the truth. It is the whole reason why I waited for as long as I could. What makes the experience even harder early on, is the constant reminders that there are reasons not to transition. Some days you know you are doing the right thing, and others you wish you never opened your mouth to find help in the first place.

Doubt/Regret

I find that when I make a major purchase, decision, or life change, I can’t help but over-analyze the decision – both before and after the fact. The plan to transition was a perfect example of this. I remember many nights those first 6-9 months, where I would sit in a dark room with my head in my hands, questioning my choice. Of course, there were the days of rational thoughts that told me that I’m happier now. I had plenty of those too. My journal though, would be a stream of days where something had happened, and I would then voice my doubt that I should be continuing. Many days, all it took was a quick look in the mirror, and I see my old self. Sometimes, it would be a comment or action made by my wife that seemed like how she would have treated me as a man. Other times, I would be given an opportunity after coming home from work to present how I know I should want to, but it’s just too much effort.

All of these would make me regret my decision, that this was going to be too hard, or that I would never get the results that would make me happy. I was able to overcome a lot of these hard times with the support of Cathy who would reassure me that this is now who I am. Another solution would be to write it out in my journal which helped me calm down. Other days, I just needed to sleep it off. Tomorrow might be a better day, that this down day was the exception.

Guilt

Self-help strategies tell you to make sure that you do things that care for your well-being. You need to ensure that your needs are being satisfied and cannot be forgotten. That’s easy to say but when it comes to the decision to transition, it’s not easy accomplish. There is so much guilt. You know that you have taken away the future path that your relationship was supposed to follow. You are aware that your family dynamic will never be seen as “normal” ever again. You’ve changed not only how people see you but also how they see your spouse. You have introduced risk that no one should have to be prepared for but is there all the same. These are all things that only occurred because you needed to find your happiness and true self. Yes, there’s a lot of guilt that comes with that.  So much so, that no matter what happens, you feel indebted to your spouse and family. There have been conversations, arguments, and decisions where I’ve stopped and said to myself “She has done so much for me, how can I argue”. Other times I will think “I just better not say anything because I’m not in a position to risk anything after what I’ve changed”.  Neither of these are healthy but over time, as you start to see that there may be some good to come from the transition, these moments become fewer and less severe. However, I can’t say that the feeling of guilt has gone away completely.

Fear

The feeling of fear comes from many sources. I mentioned my biggest fear when it came to starting my transition and that was ruining my relationship. Cathy and I had a solid, happy relationship before my transition.  Sure, there were challenges and rocky times. We have always worked around them, found solutions, and built a stronger relationship. My fear was that this change was going to be insurmountable. I knew that Cathy was supportive of the community and so I should have known that there would have been a chance.  I just couldn’t get the thought out of my mind that she would walk out the door and never come back.  That fear is still there today. I know she loves me, and I love her, but how could I ever stop her if she decided that this just wasn’t going to work.

Then of course, there was the fear that at some point, I wouldn’t be able to contribute to the family. What if my job wasn’t as supportive. I am in a role where I am in front of people, coaching, teaching, and influencing. What if my work says that I’m too much of a distraction or finds a reason to start taking away my responsibilities ultimately ending in dismissal?  What if someone from work found out before I could tell them myself?  I did start building up a case early on by finding annual performance reviews and recent positive comments to make sure that I had things in order, to build a case if needed. I’ll tell that story in another post though.

Finally, the fear of being in public presenting as myself. Where we live is somewhat conservative and there is not much diversity, though it is improving. Early on I didn’t know much about our local trans community and really didn’t know what to expect when I did finally come out in public. Of course, with all of news and negativity out there, you can’t help but fear the worst.  I knew that I wouldn’t pass, especially at first. I’d have to do my best to prepare for the worst. Again, that is another story to tell.

It does get better

I tell you all of this to let you know that these feelings are normal and yes, they do get better. Some will always be with you, and some you can manipulate to work for you. The most important thing to remember is that thoughts can be just that, “thoughts” and not reality. You can work through these rough few months. Try to find some positive moments and support from either loved-ones, friends, or the community.  Therapy and having someone to help you work through these feelings is a very powerful way to combat these feelings. If you are having difficulties, reach out and don’t keep them inside.