When the egg cracks (the moment in time when you have realized that your gender needs exploring) and if the transgender person chooses to present their gender, they have a couple of choices: 1. Come out to people fairly early and enjoy the transition as it happens publicly or 2. Come out later after you have become comfortable with yourself. I chose the latter as I was hoping that I would change just enough that I could still hide it when I needed to and still be comfortable with the changes. The delay would provide time for my body to change a little. I was also hoping to get rid of my facial hair through laser and electrolysis. Maybe I could train my voice and be comfortable with the sound of it in time. Finally, I wanted to allow my hair on my head to grow out a little and maybe do something to make it more feminine.
How the “When” was Figured Out
I was not blessed with a thick head of hair. I was blessed with a typical genetic baldness. My plan was that hormones might help reverse some of that but had little success. I then researched and reached out to several location for hair transplants. Numerous locations, from Turkey to Toronto. From their comments and opinions, it would take several procedures, several years and tens of thousands of dollars. Even then, they would not guarantee a full head of hair, only about 30-50% improvement.
I tried one final place locally towards the end of May 2023. They told me the advice that I actually needed to hear. “I will never be happy with my hair through transplant procedures”. Fortunately, my hair at the back and sides is fairly thick. I had been growing it for about 8 months so they offered a solution. Instead of a full wig, they would use a smaller piece that just covers the top of my head. It’s about as close to having my own hair as possible. If fact a lot of the hair that will be there, will be my hair. I would get to shower, swim, and style it as if it were my own. The other benefit, I don’t have to wait for procedures or further growth, I could choose to have this whenever I wanted. This gave some freedom on when I could come out.
Assuming that I could figure out the rest of my appearance (clothing, make-up, etc), the next decision, would be when it makes the most sense to come out at work. Both Cathy and I work for the same company so we knew that there would be a chance that my coming out could affect both of our careers. Worst case, potentially the jobs we currently have. We both had planned performance reviews in the middle of summer 2023. Our hope would be to have excellent reviews and then sometime after that I could come out. It seems silly in retrospect, but at the time, it made perfect sense that our performance was considered good.
How to Approach Work
The company that we work for is large enough to have a Director of Diversity & Inclusion. Honestly, I didn’t quite understand her role at first. She sounded like she would cover the questions I would have about my changes and how they would be protected. In mid-June, prior to our family vacation, I made contact. It was with a cryptic email requesting a meeting. Like I mentioned, I didn’t know what to expect so some of my early questions before getting to the main reason for the call, was all about employee protection and my rights within my current role. It turns out that she was the exact right person to speak to. She made me feel safe and answered my questions to the point where I felt comfortable opening up and telling her my situation. I remember becoming emotional through the last half of the conversation. Partially because I was opening up but also because I had found someone who could help without impacting my career. I was close with my HR representative and enjoyed working with her, but I also knew that she has a responsibility to the business as well. I’m sure that she would have been discrete had I told her first, but I liked the opportunity to contact someone who was a little more detached from our division.
The Starting of the Plan
Over the next few weeks, after the vacation, Cathy and I narrowed down the potential dates that I would come out. We agreed that it would be best to wait until after our reviews, so we targeted the end of summer. The plan was that the September long weekend would be the time to make it happen. We soon realized that we would be moving our eldest son off to university. That week and that would be enough stress on its own. So we started to arrange for the week after that. Both Cathy and I are planners and we needed to know what had to get done before then so we got an Excel sheet out and tried our best to figure out the timing. Fortunately, the Director I had been dealing with also had some valuable input into when and how the process would play out at work. The decisions were all mine on how it would happen at work but she provided good perspective on the information that I should share and the order that I should tell people.
2 responses to “Starting the Plan to Come Out”
Wow a spreadsheet , love it. And truly amazing how your company was. In my experience it’s amazing how many people already suspected in my own company, but until I officially came out and said it, no one wanted to assume. Love reading about y’all’s journey. If I could ask you a question, what do you think the hardest thing to overcome for you was?
Hmmm… Good question. If you’re talking about the overall transition, easily the hardest part to overcome was telling Cathy that I need to figure out these questions that I have about my gender. I’ve never wanted to hurt her and this had the potential to do some real damage.
If you are asking specifically about the transition process, it has been my voice. That I have not yet overcome and I’m very sensitive to it. It’s something I’ve been working on the most and have seen some improvement but I’m still far away from where I would like to be.