Carving Time Out for Myself

I was 45 when I found out Brooke was experiencing gender dysphoria. It was a lot of emotions for me to process. One thing that my therapist encouraged me to do, really early on, was find out what I enjoy doing. What really brings me joy outside of my marriage and my children.

This sound simple but I think for a lot of mothers, our happiness and contentment really become wrapped up in what makes our family happy. For example, if you asked me 3 years ago what I loved to do I would tell you it was going to watch my boys compete in Speed Skating or play recreational baseball. But that was really about their happiness and the pride I felt in them. Now that both have stopped competing, I really don’t have interest in going to watch competitions. I enjoy golfing and watching the Blue Jays with Brooke, but I wouldn’t really do either on my own. Somewhere along the way I lost who I was and what I loved to do.

So here I was, a cis, straight women, finding out my spouse who I loved, parented two children with was actually a woman. It was a lot to take it, I had a lot of decisions to make but before I could make them I had to find out who I was.

I think this type of self-reflection is important for everyone.  I’m no doctor but I would highly recommend anyone else on a similar journey consider spending time finding interests they can enjoy and do on their own. I’m going to share some of the things I’ve realized over the last 2 years makes me happy, for me….not anyone else.

This is not easy for me to do because somehow it feels selfish to find my own things, to carve time out for myself. I find myself slipping back to old habits of putting others first and have to remind myself of the importance of this.

1. Puzzles; I know this is such an old lady thing to enjoy but the it calms me, brings me peace and even pride when I complete. I can do as much or as little as I feel like.
2. Reading; I have always enjoyed reading. I should really go to the library more, but my guilty pleasure is going to the bookstore and buying books. My favorite are historical fictions especially if they include a strong, smart female lead! I’m a feminist first. I would love to hear what type of books you enjoy and get some recommendations.
3. Tiktok Videos; I’m finding a lot of joy and personal pride in the community that has been created on my TikTok account. I feel I’m helping others feel less alone and more represented. I would love to figure out how to reach more people, but that could just be me being impatient. If you have any ideas let me know.
4. Work: The truth is I feel personal pride in doing good work. Helping others to succeed and making the company I work for better. I have to be careful not to put too much time into work, but I would also not be happy to feel I wasn’t putting in a good effort.
5. Strength Training; this is one that has taken me the longest to figure out. If I look back the thing, I’ve done for myself that I have loved the most is when I was going to CrossFit. A couple things happened at once that made me step away from it. I got a new position at work that required more time and to start the day earlier. It made the structured class times of CrossFit a challenge for me attend. Brooke and I purchased golf memberships, and I was finding it hard to have time to do both. Then I found out about Brooke and I had trouble having the energy to continue with CrossFit. I’ve tried doing things at home to lose weight but it didn’t give me the time away from the house that I needed and recently I realized it’s not trying to lose weight that brings me joy but lifting weights and strength training. So, I’ve joined a regular gym. I will see how this goes but so far it is really making me happy, if not a bit sore.

Have other spouses gone through a similar self-reflection? What are the things you do for yourself?