I posted a lot on the successes, luck, and support that makes my transition probably seem simpler than it actually has been. It’s not easy to open up and talk about the struggles that go along with transition. The struggles and fears are always there. Moments of happiness and feeling correct in your body help to bury the feelings. Every so often though, they find their way through.
I’m not going to talk specifically about the conflicts in society. Things like when people don’t believe that a person can be trans, or that trans people shouldn’t have the same rights as every other person. To be honest, aside from what I’ve read or seen in social media, I’ve been lucky to not have direct experience. I don’t feel it is fair to say how it has affected me or how I have dealt with these situations. I’m sure when it happens, and it’s just a matter of time, I will write about it. I do want to cover some of the areas that have hit me emotionally and what I feel I have done to overcome the struggle. These are items that when I hear people doubt that a person can be transgender or that changing genders is a fad, I think “Why would anyone ever want to go through this if they had a choice?”
Risk to Relationship
I’ve been asked about what my biggest fear has been when I consider my transition. Without hesitation, my answer is always, the fear of losing my wife and family. Cathy and I have been married for 23 years. Come December this year, I will have lived more of my life married to Cathy than lived without her. I can’t imagine a life without her or ever intentionally hurting her.
I’ve always had thoughts that I would love to one day wake up and be a woman. That there would be a magic button that would allow me to switch it all and be the girl that I knew was there. Until something clicked in the summer of 2022, I never thought I would ever need to do something about it. It was then that the fear kicked in. How could I possibly ever do something about these feelings and potentially hurt the people that I can’t be without? At the same time, I was conflicted because I knew that the feelings that I had could no longer go hidden or be forgotten.
So, what worked? There is no easy answer to it unfortunately. Everything depends on the trust you currently have in your relationship and the person you are in the relationship with. If you haven’t built up a relationship where you can be open and honest or have a conversation with your partner to discuss something that is bothering you, then the relationship itself will be a struggle going forward.
In our case, I knew I could be open and honest. I also knew that we could have a conversation discussing my feelings. I was still scared though. Weeks went by, maybe even months, getting enough courage to bring up what I needed to. I prepared how and when I would tell her, but it didn’t happen like I had planned. I wrote about that experience in the first blog that I posted.
The important takeaway for me, was that it is very important to request help from your partner, not demand or state that you are going to change. Let your partner know that you are vulnerable and uncertain. Let them know that you don’t have a clear picture of what the future will look like but that you want them to be a part of your life and be there as you navigate it together. Cathy was in on my transition early on and at any point she could have asked me to slow down, and I would have agreed with her. I don’t know what I would have done if she had told me to stop. She knew before anyone else knew, before I even booked an appointment to see a therapist.
I have learned a lot about Cathy through this transition and I thought I already knew her well. It is a true testament of her character that she could go into a situation like this with eyes and heart open. She didn’t know how much I would change. She didn’t know how much she would have to change as well. Together we have grown a lot and grown closer through this transition because we know that there is a solid foundation of love and respect for each other. If you are looking for advice on coming out to your partner, all I can say is that yes, it is scary, and yes there are risks, but have respect for your partner. Don’t rush things and don’t force the change. Consider your partner’s perspective and hopefully, you are already with someone that is open minded and willing to grow with you.
I would be lying if I said I’m in the clear even now and that everything will be perfect going forward. We still have our struggles like any married couple and we work through them. What I’m happy to say is, that our plan is to stay together and keep working on this loving, amazing relationship.
Imposter Syndrome
Some days are very tough and there are no obvious reasons for it. I will wake up, start my routine, and then look up into the mirror. Everyone looks at themselves and wishes there was something different about themselves. But on some of the tough days, I don’t even know who I’m looking at. It’s not Brooklyn I see, but someone else. Not necessarily the person I was, but I see a man…pretending. I try to shake it off, but on those bad days, it doesn’t work. I have to avoid any mirror altogether. Thankfully these days are getting more spread out but after 20 months of HRT and nearly a year after socially transitioning, I would have hoped they would have been gone completely. There is one mirror in the house that I avoid if I’m having a tough day, and I don’t know what makes this one worse, but I can only guess it’s the lighting and/or the background. I am aware of other forms of imposter syndrome, but I did not expect this one to be so strong. Sure, there are days that I don’t feel that I’m woman enough or that I’m not attractive. Those aren’t easy because I know that I’m still early in my transition so there is time to work on myself. I wasn’t ready for the days where I don’t recognize the person that I see. Those are hurtful, like someone on the other side of the mirror laughing at you.
To help me get through those days and to help get my mind off of the negative feelings, I go through my album on my phone and see all of the pictures of myself when I see Brooklyn. Another helpful tool was having my annual Vision Board taped right next to my bathroom mirror. On this board there are a couple of pictures and phrases that are quick reminders of who I am and what my goals are for the year. This helps to ground me and help reset my day.
There are other aspects of transitioning that I didn’t realize would hit me hard. That’s when I’m reminded that I’ve taken a detour to womanhood. This causes the imposter syndrome feelings to flare up in a different way. For example, on a couple of occasions on this past International Women’s Day I was texted or spoken to celebrating the day. I didn’t realize how hard it would be for me to celebrate. It’s a day that recognizes the hardships that women endure, highlights the inequalities, and promotes action so that women are treated fairly. Is it right for me to be part of the day’s activities? Another similar and unfortunate experience for me was the Barbie Movie. I want to like the movie, but I don’t like how it makes me feel. For the past 45 years, even though I may not have been active in negatively impacting women’s lives, I was on the “other team”. I would never have willingly treated women differently in the past or give preferential treatment to a man, but I was blind to how these actions have affected women and their livelihood.
I have to pull myself out of these rabbit holes of negative thought sometimes. Realizing that though I may not have experienced these hardships my whole life, I’m likely experiencing them now whether I see it or not. Maybe even more so being a trans woman. So, I’ll recognize the day with all other women because I know that my life will be different going forward and that I have a responsibility to make it better for every woman.
The Economics of Transitioning Later in Life
This is a tough topic because I don’t know if I’ve found a solution to it aside from winning the lottery. Cathy and I both have solid careers and by most accounts are doing well. Sure, we have debt, but we are managing and we are comfortable. Another aspect of transitioning that trans hating personalities do not think of, is the amount of material effort that goes into handling the dysphoria. It’s not always as simple as changing clothes and hairstyles. There are some trans individuals that are more than happy to make small changes to themselves to get over the negative feelings. There are also many trans people who feel that they have many changes to make to give themselves comfort in existing. From my experience and friend group, this is particularly true for trans women. Many of these changes are expensive and require serious time commitment.
I’m not going to go into the dollars and cents but for me, the costs were significant right at the start. Laser and electrolysis to remove facial hair, a hair system to cover the lost hair on top of my head, new wardrobe, and of course skin care products and makeup. Luckily, hormone treatment was mostly covered by my work insurance as was a good portion of my therapy and voice training. As someone who has always been very tight with their money, it was hard for me to spend on myself but at the same time it was easy for me to see the value. This is also an area where Cathy has shined as money has been a source of arguments in the past between us. She quickly understood what the value was for me and never questioned what has been spent to make me feel closer to who I am.
All of these costs and I haven’t even mentioned surgical changes which can be astronomical. Luckily, some insurance companies agree that the cost is worth covering, but many do not, such as mine. Here in Canada, there are several provincial health programs that cover the cost of surgeries, but where I am, only the bottom surgery (MTF) is covered. FTM bottom and top surgery is covered here, but only the basics – any additional costs are out of pocket. I am considering breast augmentation in the fall as this is an area where my 2nd puberty just didn’t do enough. This will be tough, and we’ll have to make sacrifices in other areas. For me, any other types of surgical changes are just too far out of reach. Facial feminization, vocal feminization and other types of gender affirming surgeries will only be considered after we win the lottery. Unfortunately, these are areas that I know I would love to deal with and currently make transitioning hard, but just like for many other transgender people, the economics just doesn’t make it practical.