The night I came out to Cathy was not what I expected it to be. There are some things you can prepare for or have a good idea how things are going to go. This was not one of those things.
The summer of 2021 seemed to be normal. Though, a few things happened that year that really got me thinking about my future and life. I was afraid that my life may be moving too fast and if I don’t explore some of the feelings I’ve had my entire life, I might miss the opportunity and regret it. I don’t know what ultimately pushed me harder this year instead of other years, but as I continued to read, understand, and investigate some of the feelings I had, I started to realize that what I might be feeling was gender dysphoria.
Preparation
This was not something I could handle alone. I needed to bring in the person I love the most, my best friend, and partner in life before I could do anything else. The biggest fear for me, was the potential to lose my wife that has always meant so much to me. There is no easy way to tell the person you loved for 20+ years, may not be comfortable being the person they see.
I had searched blogs and socials seeking help on how to approach this problem and got a few suggestions but none of them were great. My original plan was to write out everything because I knew I’d never be able to say or remember everything. I would hand Cathy the letter and go for a walk. I expecting to review it with her when I came home. So, I sat down and wrote it all out, in my best handwriting, rewriting and editing, over and over again. I carried that completed letter, in a sealed envelope, with me for about 3 weeks. There were some opportunities that seemed like they might work but I could never do it. It didn’t seem right not being there to tell her in person. There were also some mornings where it was just the two of us. I would open my mouth to start the conversation, but nothing would come out – I just sat there with my mouth open. There was just too much fear that I’d ruin not only my life, but everyone in my family. This went on for at least 6 weeks. I’m sure I was a shell of myself.
Delivery
The night I finally managed to build up the courage and say something was planned. I wanted to make sure that we had plenty of time to discuss what we needed. I knew that a Friday night would be best, giving us the whole weekend. What I did not plan, was when I blurted out “I need to talk to you about something” late, late at night. The lights were off, and we were already settled in to bed. Getting started and hoping the rest will work itself out was the best thing I could have done. Preparing the letter as I did helped me to say what I needed, that I’ve been “considering my gender and how something might not be right” and that “I need to speak to someone professionally to help me sort out these feelings”.
I needed Cathy to know that I didn’t want to hide anything. It meant everything if she would just give me a chance to learn about myself and what this means. That night was a late night; we were up about 3 hours later than normal. There were a lot of tears, plenty of support, and a lot of hugging and comforting.
I’m embarrassed that I did not understand how uncompromising my wife’s love for me was and still would be for me today, and that I ever feared that she would turn me away without giving me a chance to be myself.