Coming Out to Our Families

This is my version of the circumstances around telling people that were close to us. It will not be much different of a story but just a different perspective and I’ll try to fill in a couple of gaps.

Telling family and friends is a very important step in the process of letting people into our lives. Knowing that we have something very important to tell people, a major change in our life, and then having to hold it in, was very difficult. During the Christmas holidays, we were not at the point we were ready to tell anyone. It was something that Cathy and I kept from those that were close to us. We even had to hide away the gifts that I got that year (which were awesome, btw). We didn’t want any family members that came to visit, see any of my new makeup, clothes, and accessories.

The Plan to Tell Family

I also knew that this was hurting Cathy as she wasn’t able to talk to anyone about her feelings. Having to keep this from her closest sister and the rest of her family was not healthy anymore. This is why in the new year (2023) we put together a plan to start telling people.  We started with those that we felt would be the “easiest” and most accepting. We hoped to build some support and allies before building up to what we thought would be the harder conversations.

So, on a weekend night in mid-January, we started by having Cathy’s sister Angela and her husband Tim over for dinner. We were given some good advice to make sure that you give your guests an out in case they felt that they needed to go away and digest the information. Luckily, this was not needed. There was so much interest and good conversation with them that it made me wish that we had told them earlier. I have such a hard time telling people because as soon as I begin, I start crying. I’ve been told this is because I am bringing others into such an important part of my life. Crying is just another way of showing how much you are opening up to them. There were plenty of hugs and a lot of positive support. The weight lifted off of us at the end of the night was deeply needed.

We continued on the following weeks. Cathy would tell her sisters and their family, and her parents which she covers in her videos and blog, and I told my brother and sister. Everyone was supportive and many asked more about how Cathy or the kids were doing which was very understandable. It is a big change for all of us and they care about all of us. We haven’t really touched on the story of telling my family though.  As my family is at a minimum 1,700km away (just over 1,000miles), we are much closer and see her side of the family more often. It seemed like there was more of a risk to our support system telling her family over mine.

Telling My Brother and Sister

I think my brother was more confused than Cathy’s family as he would have seen me growing up. We would have wrestled and played as boys do. I was a kid who would try any sport – I didn’t care for the rough ones, but I would try.  He was my best man at our wedding. He saw me as a typical guy and found it very hard to understand where it was all coming from. Especially, with me not giving any real indication. Admittedly, he mentioned that it took a while for it to actually sink in. The whole while though, he was supportive.  He visited us this past winter for a week with one of his sons. Living in Australia, we don’t get a chance much to connect, but we did have some good conversations that week. A lot of questions, and a good talk on reassuring him that I have help through the process. He still struggled getting my name and gender right throughout the week, but I knew there was effort, so I never felt hurt by it. I also prepared for that exact scenario. He was trying and the frustration was obvious when he got it wrong. His son nailed it though, and got my name and gender right the whole week. I hope that he still tries at home and now that he has seen me in person, it has sunk in.

I haven’t had a chance to see my sister in person since I came out last summer as she lives several provinces over in Ontario. Telling her seemed like less of a concern though. She is very practical and progressive. Of course, I still cried when I told her. I think I remember her being in shock. Like my brother, she has seen me grow up, so there had to be confusion there. She was warm though and very kind. She even sent along a little gift which made me feel very loved. One of my regrets about coming out so late in life is that I wasn’t able to be there for her as a big sister. We had some really good times growing up, but I’m not proud of how I treated her as a teenager. Mostly I ignored or criticized her and wish I could do it all over again. I wonder now if I was jealous of her getting to live the life that I actually wanted, though I didn’t realize it at the time. I hope that our relationship can be stronger in the future, and I really like how we are communicating now, more than ever before.

Telling My Parents

My parents are a different situation all together. My mother passed away just before Covid. I’m not sure how she would have responded, to be honest. She had always wanted daughters, this is why she had 5 kids and finally stopped after having my sister.  She likely would have credited herself or blamed others for my transition, not fully understanding how it works. I like to believe that she would have been accepting and there’s no way to prove me wrong.

My father lives in a nursing home now and doesn’t understand much of what is going on around him.  Originally, my sister and I decided that it wasn’t even worth mentioning it to him as he wouldn’t understand. She is closest to him, in physical location and in relationship, so I trusted her. I know this was likely the right thing to do, but it bothered me that someone I loved didn’t know the real me. He really is the last person close to me that has no idea of my transition and I felt like I needed to let him know. Because I could not see my dad in person (especially now that I’ve transitioned), and he is unable to take phone calls because his hearing is so poor, I had to find another way. So recently, I decided to write him a letter and tell him about the situation in my words. I explained my need for him to finally know to my sister and she willingly took on the task of reading it to him and sent along the video of the experience. You could tell he heard the words but I’m not sure he understands yet. But now that I know that he has heard what was in my letter, I hope that by the time I go to visit, I will not have to introduce my new self to him. He might grasp my changes, so it won’t be a complete shock to him. Thankfully my sister has checked in on him to see if he remembers what I wrote.  It will take some reminders but I can’t imagine he will get my gender or name correct for a while.  Time will tell.