Gender Affirming Surgery – A Spouse’s Prospective

I’ve had many different waves of emotions during Brooke’s gender affirmation but none as strong as those related to her surgery.

Getting the Appointment

A few months ago, Brooklyn got the date for her bottom surgery. With the appointment came documents to read about the procedure and post care. As I sat down to read the documents, I started to have an anxiety attack. I got a horrible feeling in my stomach. It is hard to describe, but I relate it to seeing someone get kicked between the legs or hearing about a friend who experienced a tough childbirth. With the feeling in my stomach came other signs of anxiety, increased heart rate, sweating, brain fog. Brooke thought this reaction had to do with me having second thoughts about her surgery, but I knew that wasn’t it. I knew this was something she needed to do.

I needed to step away from the discussion and those documents. Once I had a chance to think things through, I figured out the issue was realizing how big of an operation this was, how much post care there would be. I was (and still am a little) terrified something goes wrong or that I will not know how to support her after and will cause a problem. For me my anxiety was more about my fear of losing her, of someone I love in pain or me not being adequate at caring for her post surgery.

My 2nd “Not Ok” moment

When we first started talking about surgery, I was in theory fine with it. But it seemed far in the future. At that time, I hadn’t realized it could extend past bottom and top surgery. I knew Brooke was researching what was required to have it done (a long process I will let her touch on) but it again seemed way in the future and not something I emotionally processed.

Once the forms needed to be submitted, I had my first “not ok” moment. She had to decide if she wanted zero depth or full depth. I’m not proud to admit that some of the social media fear mongers had me thinking if she wanted the full depth that meant she was attracted to men. We had a bit of a fight discussing it and I needed time to think things through. Once I did, I realized her decision had more to do with her body matching who she was on the inside and not intimacy. I also began to learn that there were other surgeries she would like to do to treat her dysphoria and we agreed to start saving up.

Waiting Room

So now I’m sitting in the hospital waiting as she gets her surgery. The last couple days have been a whirlwind as we travel to Montreal and ensure she is able to do all the pre-operative tasks required. This morning was tough. Brooke was a nervous wreck, worried she did something wrong and they would not allow her to have the surgery when she arrived. Of course, that wasn’t the case. She is way too detailed for that!

My concerns are different. I was doing good when she was with me, being strong for her. But now that I’m waiting by myself, my anxiety is creeping back in. I’m a logical person and I know she will be fine, and that this hospital is considered one of the best and does many procedures every single day…. but. The anxiety thoughts worry something might go wrong with the anesthesia or the surgery itself. This is a major surgery.  We are soulmates, she is my best friend, the amazing co-mother of my boys. I can’t help but worry a little. My therapist tells me anxiety is about thoughts not reality.

I’m taking a deep breath and going to read. Everything will be ok.