Getting to be Myself Fulltime – 1 Year Later

It was one year ago that I stopped having to switch between how I presented, and I’ve been able to live as myself fulltime. That was the day that I proudly proclaimed that Brooklyn was who I was meant to be. It was the day after a similar announcement went out at work and the day that I started moving the guys clothes, out of the closet.  Many things have happened in the past year, mostly positive. In some ways, it is hard to believe that it was only a year ago, and in other ways, it feels like it happened a decade ago.  Here are a few things I’ve learned in that first year.

Relationships Built on Love can Withstand Many Challenges

It’s fair to say that I’ve asked a lot of Cathy since coming out to her about 2 years ago. I asked her to hold a secret for over a year. I’ve asked her to be there for me as I change a lot of how I present myself. I have asked her to change herself and adapt to our relationship. Not all people are able to pivot, and it takes a solid foundation of love and respect for one another to be able to do so. It also takes someone who is willing to love you for the person you are and not just the wrapping. We said that we would commit to each other for the rest of our lives when we married 23+ years ago. There have been struggles as there are with most marriages but we both know that we were meant to be together through everything.  

There Are Many Good People Out There

I have mentioned this in other posts, but I have been surprised at how positive my interactions have been in the first year. Yes, there are the online haters and the peripheral groups that are vocal but really speak nonsense. Interactions with individuals, for the most part have been wonderful. Many people who wanted to see that I’m happy before my affirmation, still want to see me happy afterward. I guess I have no idea what might be said behind my back, but I also don’t care, as long as I’m treated with respect. The same respect that I would have had before my social transition.

One of the strange occurrences that I’ve experienced is also proof that people really want to do what’s right. I’ve had several instances when someone has called me “dude”, “man” or accidentally misgendered me. These wonderful people reach out to me after the fact and usually one-on-one to apologize. They want to let me know that they didn’t intend any harm. I will usually thank them but also let them know to move on and don’t make a big deal about it. I always try to be understanding especially when it happens to people who I haven’t seen in a while. And yes, sometimes it hurts in the moment, but it only takes a second to remember the situation and realize that it wasn’t done to hurt.

Not Everyone is Looking at You

This was a tough one to get over. I still occasionally concern myself about what people are thinking about when they see me. Early on after socially transitioning, if I were to walk into a store or restaurant my instinct would have been to scan the room for anyone that is staring. The funny thing is people stare at other people all the time and for many reasons. Even if they are staring its likely not because they are trying to figure out what gender you are. They are just as likely to look at any new person entering. That’s not to say that I don’t care what people see as I still try to make it as obvious as possible, but I’m less worried about what they determine. One of my goals for 2024 is to try to be more comfortable with who I am.  I’m happy to say this has gotten better over time but I still have a ways to go.

There are People Out There Like You

I guess I never realized what a large community of transgendered people there are in the world. Even in my smaller city, I was fortunate to meet a couple of transgender people even before I knew where my path would lead me. In both cases though, they were much younger than I was. It took time but eventually I’ve been able to connect with many other trans women that are at some point in their transition. Some are online only friends that I will swap tips and advice with. Some have grown into good friends. There are also a couple of women that I met in Montreal getting bottom surgery at the same time as me. We share a different kind of bond where we have experienced something very special in our lives at the same time.  With these women, there are lots of shared stories and discussions on progress which can be therapeutic and reassuring.  Now that I’ve gone through the surgery, I enjoy going through my socials and offering advice and telling my experience if it relates to a concern that someone might have.

There is unlikely going to be someone with exactly the same situation, but I’ve discovered that there are many people that share some aspect of my gender affirmation. You are not alone though, and there are many people out there.

Some Things are Easier; Some are Harder

Definitely not a complete list, but just a few things that I could think of off the top of my head.

Easier since transition:

• It’s great not having to pretend to be someone I’m not or being embarrassed that I think that my gender appearance doesn’t match with who I am.
• I’m so happy that I don’t have to take everything off at the end of the day and become upset with what I see.
• It’s nice not having to plan how we are going to do everything in the evening or weekend and still try to manage some time where I get to be myself.
• Cathy not having to call me by one name at home and another at work.

Harder since transition:

• Getting ready after a shower in the morning takes a solid 30 minutes where it used to take 5 minutes (though I have reduced that time down from an hour)
• I do find that I get spoken over more now than I would have in the past. I also question my opinion more at work than before.
• Making sure my footwear matches what I’m wearing. It used to be easier when I only had 2 pairs of shoes
• Constantly having to purchase some personal items (makeup, moisturizers, other feminine products)