Struggles in the Early Days

There are a few things I remember struggling with in the early days. They were not all at once, but things I had to work through over time.

The feeling of being trapped. Brooke and I have been best friends as well as spouses for many years. We are each other’s person. The one either of us would choose to spend time with over anyone else. Over the 23 plus years of being together we developed a lot of the same interests. Many of my interests and hobbies were things she was interested in, that I just picked up over the years. During those emotional early days I began questioning who I was without her. I needed to know that if I choose to continue to stay in my marriage and make it work, it was because it was the right thing for me not because I was scared to be on my own. I started carving out more time for myself; puzzles, reading, spending time with my mom or sister. Overtime this gave me a sense of confidences that I knew I could be on my own if I wanted to, but that isn’t what I wanted.

Needing more personal space. In the past when getting ready in the morning I would have the bathroom and bedroom to myself. Before going out in the evening I would listen to music, try on outfits and have a glass of wine. Brooke would come up stairs five minutes before going out, put on a clean shirt and off we would go. Now I had to share my space. I thought it would be fun, like getting ready with friends back in high school, but I quickly realized I enjoyed that time alone. It was a routine that brought be joy. Now I try to get ready a little early to give myself the time I need to be alone while ensuring Brooke has the time she needs as well. In the mornings before work we take turns so we both have the space we need. It seems like a small thing but it can be the small things that add up and cause resentment.

Roles & Responsibilities around the house. This is one I’m still struggling with a little. As Brooke transitions she does not want to be tasked with the same chores around the house that she would have before, most of which would be traditionally done by the “man”. At the same time, we have developed our division of tasks and responsibilities over our 23 years of marriage and I’m not looking to change what I do. One example of this is cooking which has always been my responsibility and I don’t mind doing it. I like help, but feel the kitchen is my area. I was struggling with what felt like Brooke trying to take over. After talking in therapy about this I realized I couldn’t assume she was trying to take over and I had to talk to her about how I was feeling and explain that this was a trigger for me. Once I did, I found out she was trying to help because she knew how stressed I got when I got home from work and had to get supper on the table. We talked about how she could help while allowing me to still be the “head chef” :).

These are just a few examples that I hope allow other people going through similar things to not feel alone. I truly feel the important thing is to speak with someone and not let your feelings build up inside. If you love the person you are with it is worth the effort of finding a solution.