Telling our Children their Parent is Transgender

It was important for the kids to find out as early as possible. They needed time to process and adjust before they started to see physical changes. Brooke was going to start taking hormones and we didn’t know how quickly physical changes would happen.

This is where research let me down. I spent afternoons and nights on my computer trying to do searches to find stories of people who had kids of similar age. When searching the words “Transgender, Parent, & Kids” most of the resources are for parents whose child are transgender. I love that there are lots of resources for parents who are supporting their child through transition, but it wasn’t what I needed. Most of the stories we read were from the child who were now an adult. The typical experience was they would come into the family kitchen to find the person they knew as their father was now dressing as a woman.  I knew without a doubt that was not how my boys were going to find out this important information.

Colin was starting grade 8 and Nathan was starting grade 12. Nathan had come out to us as bi-sexual a couple years earlier so we felt confident he would be ok. Colin was at a tougher age. Middle school isn’t as inclusive as high school, and he had friends whose parents had expressed anti-trans sentiments.

In the end we decided to do it on a Friday, so they had the weekend to process the information before heading back to school. We had dinner and played some board games before sharing the news. I let them know that their father was experiencing gender dysphoria. We explained what that meant, and we let them know:

• It would be a long process, but we wanted them involved early.
• They would start seeing changes; clothing, hair and make-up etc, but just at home to start.
• Pronouns and name would stay the same for now but would change in the future and we hoped they would want to help us choose the new name.
• She was the same person who enjoyed watching baseball, playing video games or shooting hoops in the yard with them.
• That we loved them and that above all else that would never change.
• When we were all ready, she would live as a women full time.

Unfortunately, we also had to ask them not to tell anyone, friends or family. We were not ready for anyone else to know.

Nathan thanked us for sharing and said that he loved us both and supported Brooke in whatever she decided to do. It was hard for us to tell how Colin was doing. He got quiet and showed very little emotion. There were no questions. In the following months we would check in and made sure they were ok. We encouraged them to see a therapist to talk through the changes and their feelings.

Now a little less than 2 years later. I’m happy to say they both are doing amazing. I feel bad for thinking they might not be able to handle this information. They are so much stronger, caring and adaptable then I gave them credit for. Children want to be loved, supported and included in decisions and timelines. We are truly blessed with two amazing sons. I’m so proud of the two of them.