The First Weeks and Name Options

Those first weeks are a bit of a blur. I remember Cathy being very supportive. She has been supportive of the LGTBQ community, so why would this be different. She would ask questions and entertain my comments and concerns. We were in this secret situation together trying to sort it all out on our own. It was all in a haze though. Things eventually changed with Cathy once it all started to sink in though and get a little clearer. Not the support. I don’t feel that the support has ever disappeared. But I could sense there was a realization that things were not the same between us.

I could see that my constant worrying, comments, and not talking about anything else but gender, was starting to wear on Cathy.  Nothing was said, but the body language was suggesting that there was a line, and I was crossing it. I remember feeling trapped for a while.  There was no one to vent to but Cathy and the infrequent sessions with my therapist. I much preferred being trapped together.  It was a series of waves though. Some days were great, some days were fine, but every so often I would have a tough one.

There were many days that even the slightest comment that didn’t seem supportive made me consider that I might be making the wrong decision.  It’s a tough period where you don’t really know what’s going to happen, so you have trouble seeing the value in even going through with it. The uncertainty is an ongoing struggle for the first years of transitioning. You don’t even need the far-right negative comments to make you feel like you are doing something wrong.

Help From Therapist

Once I started therapy, there was a bit more clarity however, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post. I knew that this was something more than just a discovery, there would need to be some actions to go along with it. We needed to have a conversation with our kids about what was happening and how it may affect them before anything else happened.  As Cathy mentioned in her post, this was not an easy topic to find help with. We decided that it was necessary to be upfront with them. One point of advice that we did find, was to go back to them regularly after the fact. Approach them both as individual parents and together to see if they have any questions or concerns. I was very lucky to have Cathy by my side when we told the kids as she was able to keep things together and have a frank conversation with them.  You’ll notice I say, “when we told the kids”, because for us, we were taking on the task as a team. In many of my memories I think of the transition as something we were experiencing together. Cathy has been with me every step of the way.

My therapist also gave some suggestions including seeing my family doctor about what the steps would be to getting hormones. I’ll get to that topic in my next post. He also mentioned if there were things that I could do that only Cathy and I knew about that would help me feel like I was affirming my gender it might help ease into my gender.  This is when I got my first pair of jeans and a couple of tops that were made for women but still looked gender neutral enough for men to wear and not get unusual looks.  This was surprisingly effective for me. I still have those clothes, though I don’t really fit into them any longer.

What’s in a Name

A few people have asked me where I got my name. For many people, choosing a new name can be easy.  Some, use a slight modification to their previous name.  Others have a name that they use all of the time playing video or role-playing games. It was not an easy decision for me however, but I knew it would not be something I could do on my own.  I did create a list of 10-12 names that I had some attachment to and thought might be a possibility. Some of the names we would have used if our kids or I were assigned female at birth. Others were names that just fit with our last name or were common names around the time I was born.  Eventually, Cathy and I whittled down the list to 2 or 3 names as many made us think of someone that we already knew with the name. The name Brooklyn was similar enough to my old name that it just made sense for me, and I never looked back. The last task was to check with the kids to make sure that it worked for them too.  I didn’t want a name that they had some bad connection with. This allowed us to keep them involved too, so it was win/win.

Getting used to the name hasn’t been easy. Many people I know have been excellent and get it right 99% of the time. Those that have known me the longest understandably have the most trouble. Even I have struggled at times. It took a while before signing my email with “Brooke” became natural.